“I don’t want to fall in love” I proclaim loudly to an empty room. My voice is firm and confident when I say it. Convincing. Who am I convincing? Myself or the masses? Who do I need to prove myself to? I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t feel the urge to… but I am curious. My mind wonders, it possesses my every thought. What does it feel like to look into the eyes of someone who thinks of you as the world? How would I react? It’s a scary thought.

If such an emotion can bring down civilizations and make people do unimaginable things, how can I, a mere mortal, handle it? How do other mortals handle it? Or are they gods but don’t know it yet? All my life I was made to believe that only the brave allow themselves to fall in love. That cowards hide from it, terrified of what kind of person they might become. But, based on what I’ve seen, love can be a beautiful thing. It can be a marvelous feeling, a feeling so pure and unadulterated; it rips you from your mortal coil and pushes you into another realm of being. When you’re with someone you truly, deeply love, anything is everything and everything is nothing. Tenses don’t exist and time is but a notion – a word. With this person, the sky is the limit and the world is your canvas. The touching of hands sends a thrill through your fingertips, an electrifying tingle up your spine, a simple glance steals the breath from your lungs like a thief in the night.

“But I don’t want to fall in love.”

I am terrified of who I would become when love is lost. Because love doesn’t last forever. Sometimes love makes a polite exit from your life, sometimes it rips through you like a tornado, destroying your vessel in the process, leaving you an empty shell of who you once were. Sometimes your partner dies and you’re left alone with the love they gave you – a full burden too heavy for only one person to carry.

I’ve never fallen in love. I’ve never had butterflies in my stomach, never felt the urge to lie cuddled up next to my “soulmate,” never daydreamed of a romantic future that includes a wedding and children. I don’t even want to have children. “You’re still young. There’s plenty of time,” my mother says. Indeed I am still young and indeed I am full of love. I love my friends, I love my family, I love my fellow human beings. I have an abundance of love to give and I want so desperately to help and care for others. That is the kind of love I have to offer.

But.. I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t feel the urge to and I never have. It took me a long time to feel normal but I have arrived. This is who I am.